“You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.”

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.

I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.

Carelessness and in-attention alone can afford us any remedy. For this reason I rely entirely upon them.

Love is like a wild rose; the thorns will only make your heart bleed if you touch it without care.

We have not come here to beg world leaders to care. You have ignored us in the past and you will ignore us again. You’ve run out of excuses and we’re running out of time. We’ve come here to let you know that change is coming whether you like it or not.

I think weakness, in a way, can be also needed because we don’t have to be the loudest, we don’t have to take up the most amount of space, and we don’t have to earn the most money… We need to care about each other more.

For it is the duty of an astronomer to compose the history of the celestial motions through careful and expert study.

Even the silence has music if you care to listen to.

Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to agree to disagree and yet continue to love one another, to care for one another, and cherish one another and seek the greater good of the other.

Even the Moon takes care of you wherever you go, it follows you.