“Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.”

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.

I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.

I often find it’s just the confidence that makes you sexy, not what your body looks like. It’s how you feel about yourself that makes you sexy.

Do not jump into reaction mode at the first appearance of negative energy. Just breathe, and relax.

Beauty is not just a white girl. It’s so many different flavors and shades.

I wouldn’t ever pose naked. I’m fine to do bikinis and certainly lingerie if I feel it’s done tastefully… cute like Victoria’s Secret, but nothing like raunchy or overly sexual.

Guys are much more obvious than they think they are.

My God, I think about way back in the day when we were running around in Mary Janes and Doc Martens, that whole 90210-inspired look. I’m glad that’s long gone.

Put on your red shoes, and dance the blues.

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.