“The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?”

Grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

Kids need love the most when they’re acting most unlovable.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.

Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation’s compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.

Attacks by other chimpanzees are the second most frequent cause of death at Gombe, after disease.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don’t misuse a household pet.

Just because a chicken was born in the oven doesn’t make it a biscuit.

Men are rather reasoning than reasonable animals, for the most part governed by the impulse of passion.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.