My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
ERMA BOMBECKA grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
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A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
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Children make your life important.
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All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
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Kids need love the most when they’re acting most unlovable.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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Friends are “annuals” that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a “perennial” that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.
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The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
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If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
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Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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I read one psychologist’s theory that said, “Never strike a child in your anger.” When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he’s recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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Cats invented self-esteem.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.
ERMA BOMBECK