If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
ERMA BOMBECKI’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn’t turn it on.
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When you’re lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
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Children make your life important.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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Some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there.
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I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
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When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
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I remember thinking how often we look, but never see … we listen, but never hear … we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.
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A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.
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I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You’re on your own, Bernice.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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Grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
ERMA BOMBECK