Housework can kill you if done right.
ERMA BOMBECKAs a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.
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Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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Some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there.
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I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn’t turn it on.
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn’t charge more after midnight – or anything before midnight.
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It’s just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.
ERMA BOMBECK