Never have more children than you have car windows.
ERMA BOMBECKMy idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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Success is outliving your failures.
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When you’re lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
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It is my theory you can’t get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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I remember thinking how often we look, but never see … we listen, but never hear … we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
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Housework can kill you if done right.
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I read one psychologist’s theory that said, “Never strike a child in your anger.” When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he’s recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You’re on your own, Bernice.
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.
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He who laughs lasts.
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When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
ERMA BOMBECK