Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn’t even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.
ERMA BOMBECKLaughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
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Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation’s compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
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Cats invented self-esteem.
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Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You’re on your own, Bernice.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.
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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
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Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.
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Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.
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I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn’t turn it on.
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When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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I remember thinking how often we look, but never see … we listen, but never hear … we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
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Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
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There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.
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Success is outliving your failures.
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Friends are “annuals” that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a “perennial” that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.
ERMA BOMBECK