No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
ERMA BOMBECKWhen humor goes, there goes civilization.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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I remember thinking how often we look, but never see … we listen, but never hear … we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
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I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
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If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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When you’re lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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I read one psychologist’s theory that said, “Never strike a child in your anger.” When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he’s recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.
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When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
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A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
ERMA BOMBECK