“Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.”

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn’t even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.

I read one psychologist’s theory that said, “Never strike a child in your anger.” When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he’s recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?

Children make your life important.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You’re on your own, Bernice.

Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.

He who laughs lasts.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

Success is outliving your failures.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.