When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
ERMA BOMBECKWhen my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn’t turn it on.
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I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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I read one psychologist’s theory that said, “Never strike a child in your anger.” When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he’s recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
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A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.
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Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn’t even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
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Grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children.
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Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
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Children make your life important.
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One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
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When you’re lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
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When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It’s just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
ERMA BOMBECK