Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
ERMA BOMBECKIf I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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Friends are “annuals” that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a “perennial” that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.
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Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.
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I read one psychologist’s theory that said, “Never strike a child in your anger.” When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he’s recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.
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Success is outliving your failures.
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Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.
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I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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When you’re lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
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There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.
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I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It’s just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
ERMA BOMBECK