Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHTI got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT