You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHTI intend to live forever. So far, so good.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHT