The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHTI intend to live forever. So far, so good.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT