Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHTI intend to live forever. So far, so good.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Clones are people two.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
STEVEN WRIGHT