Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
More Steven Wright Quotes
-
-
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
STEVEN WRIGHT