When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHTShin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT