Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHTSome friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Clones are people two.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT