I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHTSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT