“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Clones are people two.

The time you want the map, is before you enter the woods.

Nothing is more beautiful than the loveliness of the woods before sunrise.

What is the Law of the Jungle? Strike first and then give tongue.

Here I am,’ I thought, ‘back from the jungle, back from the ruins. Here, where wealth is no longer gorgeous and power has no dignity.

Reading about nature is fine, but if a person walks in the woods and listens carefully, he can learn more than what is in books, for they speak with the voice of God.

When chill November’s surly blast Made fields and forests bare.

The fields have eyes, and the woods have ears.

We must not always talk in the market-place of what happens to us in the forest.