Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Clones are people two.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHT