If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHTMy doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Clones are people two.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHT