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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Herself Myself Night Time Walk
$Steven Wright Quote - Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.$

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mathematics People Trouble
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Man Sad Yourself
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Advice Bird Deep Funny Patience Worm
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Death Myself Quote Right Talk Word
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder
Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Remember Self Love Unique Worth Yourself
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Myself Quick Toy
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mad Music Myself Night Play
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Experience Need Yourself
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Money Thinking Worth Yourself
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Age Anxiety Funny Myself Time
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Book Funny Myself Writing
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Forest Funny Himself Man Nature Woman Wrong
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Education Funny Myself Perfection Practice Stop Teacher
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Difference Ideas Person Research Steal
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appointment Dental Eat Herself Time Visit Wait
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Abandonment Book Build Funny Myself Ocean Yourself
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Myself People
You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fall Feeling Myself Sit Time
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Future One Liner Planning
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Imagination Phone Weird Yourself
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Death Funny Success Yourself
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Different Fingers Hands
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Hairs Himself Mirror Reflection See
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Control Death Game Yourself
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fight Funny Gift Myself Room

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