All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Clones are people two.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT