I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT