I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHTI think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Clones are people two.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT