You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTI put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Clones are people two.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT