I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHTI have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Clones are people two.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT