“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Clones are people two.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I enjoy it when it’s over! I enjoy whatever success we have. If an audience finds it funny, then it’s been worth it.

I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.

The only shame in masturbation is the shame of not doing it well.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

50% of all married people are women.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

There’s no bigger pain anywhere in the world than a vegetarian.