Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHTDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT