How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHTDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Clones are people two.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT