How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHTDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT