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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Forget Myself Right Thinking Time
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Darkness Device Myself
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Crime Man Office Photograph Writing
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Friendship Himself
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Eat Food Funny Human
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Deep Funny Live Nature Ocean
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Myself Police Reading See Stop Time
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Attention Believe Himself Myself Sick
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Coffee Myself Time
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Lost Myself Place Thinking
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Devil Evil Fantasy Funny Taste True
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Heaven Hell Hot Rise Temperature Warm
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Flight Leaving One Liner Yourself
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mad Music Myself Night Play
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Addiction Difference Myself Quit
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Education Funny Myself Perfection Practice Stop Teacher
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bacteria Culture People
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Hairs Himself Mirror Reflection See
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Call Herself Home Light Myself Phone Woman
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Better Doctor Myself Pay Right Work Yourself
$Steven Wright Quote - Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.$

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mathematics People Trouble
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Flavor Food Funny
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Age Anxiety Funny Myself Time
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Idiot Ocean Stand Wait
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Control Death Game Yourself
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Himself Man Stars Touch

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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