“If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?”

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink…

To eat and drink without a friend is to devour like the lion and the wolf.

I was not created to be occupied by eating delicious foods like tied up cattle.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.

I love to eat – Kit Kats or cookies-and-cream ice cream. I need sugar like five times a day.

Eating out doesn’t have to be a formula. Eating out is about having fun. I get really frustrated when it’s badly done.

They talked us into buying candy bars and throwing the candy away and eating the wrapper.

We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.