When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHTI went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Clones are people two.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT