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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Flavor Food Funny
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Destroy Evidence Success Try Yourself
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Forest Funny Himself Man Nature Woman Wrong
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Angry Depression Enthusiasm One Liner Perspective Sick
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Education Funny Myself Perfection Practice Stop Teacher
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Different Fingers Hands
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Break Up Imagination Myself Relationship
$Steven Wright Quote - Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.$

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mathematics People Trouble
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Hands Myself Science Yourself
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Addiction Difference Myself Quit
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Food Funny Myself Service Time
Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Remember Self Love Unique Worth Yourself
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Evolution Monkey Science
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Myself People
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bill Country Freedom Funny Phone Talk
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fight Funny Gift Myself Room
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Myself Police Reading See Stop Time
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Dog Himself Myself Return
You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fall Feeling Myself Sit Time
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Forget Funny Myself
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Deep Difference Growth Learning Old Philosophy See Teaching Yourself
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Imagination Phone Weird Yourself
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Goodness Myself Oneself Worth
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Future One Liner Planning
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Friendship Himself
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Kill Learning Love Myself Time
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Abandonment Book Build Funny Myself Ocean Yourself

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