Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTLast night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT