Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHTHow much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHT