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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Call Herself Home Light Myself Phone Woman
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Distance Time Walk Yourself
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Death Myself Quote Right Talk Word
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Addiction Difference Myself Quit
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Mathematics Pronunciation Sound
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Funny Hands Himself Mom
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Myself Quick Toy
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Literature Word
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Evolution Monkey Science
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Flavor Food Funny
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Idiot Ocean Stand Wait
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Forest Funny Himself Man Nature Woman Wrong
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Eat Food Funny Human
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Discipline Funny Himself Person Time
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Friendship Gift Myself Sex
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Break Up Imagination Myself Relationship
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Car Funny Yourself
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bad Conscience Memories
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Lost Myself Place Thinking
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Different Fingers Hands
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Difference Ideas Person Research Steal
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Day Life Yourself
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Better Doctor Myself Pay Right Work Yourself
Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Remember Self Love Unique Worth Yourself
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fight Funny Gift Myself Room
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Abandonment Book Build Funny Myself Ocean Yourself

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