Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTEverywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Clones are people two.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT