Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT