You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHTIn my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT