“In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’”

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?