How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
STEVEN WRIGHTYou know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT