The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHTThe early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT