Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHTHow do you get off a non-stop flight?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHT