My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHTThe other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT