“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?”

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’

Double up, baby. Your lips are the song and the dance floor is our bed.

Any man who’s not willing to take half a loaf in a negotiation, well, that man never went to bed hungry.

And I love the idea of spending the whole day in bed with my lover.

I remember when I used to sit on hospital beds and hold peoples hands, people used to be shocked because they d never seen this before. To me it was quite normal.

To choose one’s victims, to prepare one’s plan minutely, to slake an implacable vengeance, and then to go to bed… There is nothing sweeter in the world.

Being a mother is a little like ‘Groundhog’s Day.’ It’s getting out of bed and doing the exact same things again and again and yet again – and it’s watching it all get undone again and again and yet again. It’s humbling, monotonous, mind-numbing, and solitary.

Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.

You know what they say, dress your best when you go to bed because you don’t know who you’ll see in your dreams.