Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT