“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Healing is about accepting not forgetting.

It is about time we listen to our crazy young forgotten hearts.

He reminded me of all the things I always wanted that I had just forgotten.

We spend so much time avoiding death that we forget to take time to truly live.

Your beauty once seen cannot be forgotten.

You can’t forget the person who prayed for you because when you were happy yesterday, maybe their prayers were a part of it too.

Never forget what broke you. And never forget how you put yourself back together.

Never forget that there are only two philosophies to rule your life: the one of the cross, which starts with the fast and ends with the feast. The other of Satan, which starts with the feast and ends with the headache.