I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Clones are people two.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHT