I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Half the people you know are below average.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT