Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Clones are people two.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT