“Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?”

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

The pursuit of happiness is an overview kind of thing. It’s not in the Bill of Rights.

The female sex has no greater fan than I, and I have the bills to prove it.

It was the Buffalo Bills at the Minnesota Vikings on NBC. It went to about five markets.

Bill Clinton strikes me as the kind of guy who goes wherever the polls lead him, rather than leading the polls.

Most Americans don’t think about antitrust law when they look at their cable bill, flip channels on TV, or worry about what their favorite website knows about them. But they should.

Bill Clinton is the greatest president of the 20th century because I played touch football with him.

The Founders who crafted our Constitution and Bill of Rights were careful to draft a Constitution of limited powers.

The Medicare Part D prescription drug bill, which might be the most corrupt piece of legislation in history, was a huge giveaway of taxpayer funds to the big pharmaceutical companies.