How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT