“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Clones are people two.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot.

Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.

Just in case you ever foolishly forget; I’m never not thinking of you.

Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young.

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

The world is mostly divided between madmen who remember and madmen who forget. Heroes are rare.

We were together. I forget the rest.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.