I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHTRight now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT