The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHTRight now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT