Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT