Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHT