The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHTTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT