I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT