My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT